I'm not one of those people who starts sentences with, "my therapist says..." and I never want to be that person. So, I will simply say that lately it has felt like I have been traveling through life in slow motion listening to a fight going on in my head and a certain person agrees with me.
That's some schizophrenic shit right there.
In my mind, there is a critic; a really high-strung one who comments on everything I say and everything I do. This critic has got something to say about simply everything, from how I wear my hair to all the decisions that I make, big and small. Something as simple as an invite to a party or happy hour turns into a heated debate in my mind and, given the right fuel, can bring me to tears. It may seem like I am being dramatic, alas, it is 100% truth. I welled up yesterday when I was invited to go to City Island with some friends. There were, in my mind, a million factors to be considered: how we were getting there, who was going, how long we would stay, whether I could handle being around everyone for that long, my bathing suit unready body. So, I decided to stay home and there were a million factors to weigh there too... you could see the challenge.
I feel like I'm willing to change. I'm willing to hear how I could be wrong. I try to be happy and do the right thing, yet still, I am hindered. All by a critic who lives in my head.
Today, I moved one of my student's seats and his reaction was the usual, "why me? you always move me!" This is the same student that looks for all the things that go wrong; he will do something nice and then throw a fit when he doesn't get praised because he feels like he is always caught in the 'wrong' and never in the 'right'... which sucks. I get it. But at the same time, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. There's a dialogue going on in his mind, too, and that inner voice is telling him that the world is against him. So, when he doesn't get the praise or he gets his seat moved "again," he feels justified for being angry.
Is this the way I'm walking around? Because it sucks.
And it doesn't help that I feel like a pregnant woman. Not an adorable pregnant woman who looks like she's not pregnant until you see her profile. I'm talking the cankled, weighed-down, fanning herself, too heavy to get up and walking everywhere leading with her stomach pregnant woman... completely burdened, physically.
I also hate this fucking weather. It is hell on Earth, pea soup, swamp-ass, sweating-under-sunglasses, too-fucking-hot-for-shoes weather. Mad props to people who live in Key West... then again, you could always just jump in the ocean. Mad props to us city-dwellers without a car. I will take clouds and 65 over sun and 90 any day of the week.
The moral of the story is this: don't always assume you've got people all figured out because chances are, you are more wrong than mayor bloomberg's mother for giving birth to him.
My two cents.
No comments:
Post a Comment