Just Say No and GROW UP!

I came home from school feeling like my own personal hero. Why? Had I gotten through to a child? Did I save one of my students from certain danger? None of the above. The reason I came home practically fist pumping was because I just said "no."

You see, I have a terrible addiction that causes me to tremble and shake and weaken and rationalize and throw away periods of time that I have gone without. This addiction is to baked goods. Today, there were pretty mini cupcakes in the office. These were the types of cupcakes I would have normally gobbled up without thinking twice about it. Each one was perfectly topped with sugary, buttery white and pink frosting for Valentine's Day. I stood there looking at these cupcakes and thought to myself, "if not now, then when?" Every day, I cave in, eat whatever the hell I want, then suffer the wrath of the inevitable sugar crash. And then the beating up of myself begins. Today, I proved to myself that I have the power to just say no to baked goods. But this actually isn't the point of my post today. Let us segue into the real topic.

I was thinking about writing about how proud I was of myself and about my addiction to sweets and beauty and beast that is a simple sugary cupcake. And then I got to thinking about how often I think about, ponder, plan for, indulge, focus on, and finally write about food. I decided to look at my little heart diary with the lock for proof that other things had to happen in my life. This is
what I found:



How simple! How sweet! I had a day in the spring of 1987 where nothing went wrong and had to write about it.

Here's one where something terrible happened:



My day was ruined because my little brother scribbled all over my Betty Boop shirt. That would still piss me off today, no doubt. You better believe that if someone scribbled all over one of my favorite shirts now, I would be writing up a furious storm about it.
*sidenote- they were playing Betty Boop shorts at the movie theater before a movie I went to see a few weeks ago and that was one fucked up show. In this episode, she was breathing in laughing gas and tripping her face off with a clown... a clown!!! So weird and creepy... and wonderful!

Now let's look at a journal entry from February 2010, while I was in Barcelona:




I was in Barcelona on a trip I was so excited about and I was writing about candy and snacks at a place called Lady Jasmine's. I could have written about the people I saw, the language, the streets, the culture, the smells. Nah. I'm going to focus on the wide abundance of gummy and marshmallowey candy at my fingertips. In my defense, those are my favorite types of candy.

My fear here is that maybe I haven't changed that much. Then again, when you really think about it, maybe my life is just so wonderful that I get to write about candy as an adult... I could think of it as a luxury rather than a detriment.

Who knows? But it does illustrate that, as an adult, sweets have taken quite a large role in my life and today, I showed the ultimate restraint. I just said NO! And it wasn't no to a crumby chips ahoy or an oreo... it was a solid NO on three seperate occasions to beautiful pastel cupcakes. I did that. Now I am going to have to do it for the next few weeks unil Hellentine's Day is over...

a quiet routine

I've never been one to be comfortable doing mundane things. I like to be really busy, my calendar completely filled up with events, movies, plays, phone dates, coffee dates, road trips, etc. And the fact is, lately, life has been so mellow. I've gotten into a quiet routine during the week of staying late at work to tie up all my loose ends, walking Finn, eating, watching TV, running errands, and working out. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm rather enjoying it.

I've gotten so ridiculously organized at work that it scares me a little. I've never been so organized. My grade book/ plan book is so neat and all binder clipped and divided and filled out perfectly that I actually look for reasons to open it. I've gotten compulsive about doing things right away, knowing that if I shove it in a bin, it'll get lost and forgotten. I'm an efficient grading/ planning/ filing machine. Every day this week, I got absorbed into whatever I was doing and looked up at the clock to realize it was kind of late (for me) and I pushed in my chair and thought to myself, "What if I become a workaholic?" That's far-fetched, I know, but still a thought; a thought I'd never in my life considered.

And then I come home and I don't really have spending money at the moment, so all I'm doing is working out (because it's already paid for). Stupid me called Janet the Psychic the day I was paid without considering that I'd be short again this month. Why didn't she tell me I'd be in financial doom this month?!

The funny thing is, this used to happen to me all the time in Portland and I handled it many different ways- sometimes, I'd rationalize that everyone was in the same boat and use my credit card to get everything that I wanted ($500 left on that card and I closed it years ago.) Another thing I'd do is play the pity card... "oh, I simply cannot afford to do anything. Being a teacher is so hard!" or I'd throw temper tantrums in the privacy of my bedroom, burying my head in my pillow, clenching my fists and screaming with tears streaming out of my eyes like a four-year-old. Yes, that happened. One time, and I'm not kidding, I lost weight because I ran out of money and lived on apples, instant coffee, and 1/2 of a $.99 frozen bean and cheese burrito a day. (for those of you looking to lose weight fast, there's your trick!)

Things are different now. I'm not going to freak out or play the victim. I'm not going to throw a tantrum. I'm not going to allow myself to waste away on a diet of cheap food. I'm a rational adult. I just won't buy those new clothes I was looking forward to buying this weekend and I guess I can forget all about that tutu I was going to treat myself to for Halloween.

Of all the things I will have to go without for the next week and a half, I think it's the tutu that kills me the most. Beyond that, luckily for me, I'm in a quiet routine that doesn't require much money. Otherwise, I'd be fucked...

And luckily again, I have my new wig I bought at the wig shop a few weeks back, so I know I'll be fine.