word association

Sometimes, when I ask my students to play word association, they just don't get it.  Although, I think everyone gets word association; we just might not want to share the associations that our mind makes with the world.  Everything reminds us of something.  It's how we relate to the world around us.  But sometimes, you might not know where a memory is coming from or how it is being associated.

And what is it about music that can bring back memories that you didn't even know you still had stored up in your little noggin?

I got a text from my coworker about Glee.  I started a Glee club at my school and the universe put in my path a partner in this endeavor...  not just someone who is willing to help out, but a bona fide musical person who sings and teaches and plays and writes music.  This person is so excited about Glee club starting this week that I've become accustomed to her excited texts about the songs we should sing and ideas of how we should structure our meetings.  So, then I thought to myself about what songs I wanted to do with Glee.  I put on some music and began to listen to whatever came my way from my library and pretty soon, I was memory trippin'.

What's funny is how you will associate a memory to a song.  This song may never have even hit the ears of the person it reminds you of, but in your mind- in your memory, that person is completely intertwined with this song.  Still the Same, by Bob Seger reminds me of a friend who I don't think cared one way or another about this song.  Every time I hear it, though, memories of this person come flooding into my mind.  They come in a vignette-type of slideshow, starring this person and the theme that makes up her life as I've interpreted it.  Pictures of her laughing and walking around and doing everyday things just kind of float around with the song.

Every time I hear Dangerdoom, I think of one of my ex-boyfriends.  He had mentioned that he liked them, so every time I hear it, I think of that summer we started talking.  I think of my blue 1994 corolla that I drove around in the summer that I got to know him.  I can feel the Portland summer as I listen to Dangerdoom, hearing the ring of my phone (before smartphones) go off as he calls me.  For some reason, I am always driving south on 33rd, right by that grocery store with the yellow sign whose name escapes me.

Bob Marley's High Tides brings me even further back into the late 90s.  It reminds me of college and a boyfriend I had when we were just getting to really know each other.  I think about his room in Delhi, New York.  I can remember the fall weather as we walk to his place from the dorms where I lived.  He had stone floors in his kitchen and a really big living room.  There was this sadness about him that I worried about and wanted to make go away so these lyrics became my message to him... "in high tide or in low tide; I'm gonna be your friend.  I'm gonna be your friend."

David Bowie reminds me of Portland.  My friend and I would play Bowie on the jukebox at Slabtown.  I bought my first Bowie CD my first year living there, living in Northwest.  I would play it on my stereo, which was huge and I had shipped all the way out from New York.  We don't have to do that anymore.  I haven't bought a CD in a long time and I no longer own a stereo.  Times change, huh?

I guess the truth is, you don't know what two things you are going to be associating in the future.  You might not know it, but just because you watched Will and Grace a few times, your then roommate  thinks about you every time she ever hears anything about Debra Messing... true story on my part.  Or you sing American Pie one time at karaoke and you will forever be remembered as the girl dressed up in the vintage red, white, and blue tennis dress singing that song because you thought there was supposed to be a superhero party that night.  

When I want to remember carefree spring days of driving around with my friends when we had not a care in the world, I'll always just ask for Mistadobalina...  ooh ooh Mistadobalina!

everyone's got a story

I spent the day yesterday with my family and there were two moments that I feel the need to remember. So, I am going to take a minute and write about it.

My grandfather (Luis, my mother's father) died in November of 2005. My mother was the first daughter born and her father was very important to her. My mom is a tough lady. She's strong-willed, has strong opinions, and doesn't often let her emotions show unless those emotions are frustration or anger. Only when something is super intense have I seen my mother cry. In fact, I can only vividly remember her crying three times in my life. She cried when her grandmother died, she cried when I graduated from college and was getting on my one-way flight to Oregon, and, lastly, when her dad, my grandfather died. I always saw her as way stronger emotionally than me, who cries if someone looks at me cross-eyed. I well up when someone mentions something that triggers half a sad emotion. I am a raw, emotional, weepy woman who wells up at the drop of a hat. My mother is much more contained than I in the crying department.

But last night was different. My grandmother and aunt (my mom's mom and little sister) were over for Thanksgiving and we were sitting around eating dinner and talking and something about ghosts came up. My family is really into all things other-worldly, which is where I get it from. She started to talk about how Papa, right after he passed, would send little messages to her in life and in dreams. Then my brother mentioned how right around her birthday a few years ago, my grandfather came to him in a dream. He saw my mom as a little girl wearing a tiara and the whole family was around. My grandfather walked over to my brother and said to him, "don't forget it's your mom's birthday. please tell her she'll always be my little princess." And, in the way my grandfather always did, he said, "I have to go," and very quickly walked away. My mother eyes welled up as she was telling this story, her face getting red and her voice cracking. In that moment, I felt like I understood what was going on in her heart and in her mind.

I very often feel like I don't get my mom. We are as different as night and day, so for me to say that I understood how she felt is big. I finally got that her dad was the leading man in her life just the way my dad was for many years. She felt special to him and for him to make his way to my brother on her birthday was huge for her.

That same night, my sister had a similar dream, but my mother wasn't a child in this one. It was similar in the way that everyone was around my grandfather came over to her and left very quickly. But I'm getting off-track here. The focus is on how, in that moment, I related with my mom. I saw her as, not just my mother who supports and loves and helps and pesters and judges and takes care of me but also as a daughter who misses her dad. And for the first time, really, I related.

My other grandfather, (Arthur, my father's father) died in July of 2006. I was in the car with my dad, telling him about the Holocaust class I just took, forgetting all about the fact that my grandfather had fought in the Army during World War II. My father began telling me things I had no idea happened. He told me that his dad was a Sergeant and that his Army buddies would come over when my dad was a kid and call him Serg... they told my dad that his father was a real hero and they probably wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for him, and my grandfather (who I don't remember that well because I didn't really know him) didn't like to talk about the war and would tell them to stop talking about it.

He told me that during the war, my grandfather was trapped in a fox hole in the dead of winter for days and got frostbite and that they fought in the Battle of the Bulge. They also found a concentration camp and my grandfather, Sergeant Arthur Martinez, was one of the people who opened the gate and helped free the Jews being held prisoners. Apparently, there was this shoe store close by that was selling shoes that the Jews were forced to make, so my grandfather brought them over to this store and told them to go in and grab whatever shoes they wanted, being that they had none. My father is telling me these stories as we make the short drive to my childhood home and I'm thinking, I wish I'd heard these stories from him and I could ask him a million questions!

In that moment, I recognized the pride that my dad felt in his dad. I know how much my dad loved his parents and misses them. I wish I had known them better and feel lucky that I get to know my parents they way I do.

It's crazy. Everyone's got a story. No matter how mundane things may seem, there's always something underneath it and no matter how tough and unemotional somebody acts, they're still touched deeply by something. You just have to be around and open to seeing it.

hey there, mr. blue skyyyyyyyyy

A friend and I just ate at a little taco place nearby and on the walk home, since it is cold and drizzly out, talked about getting warm at home. I decided that the best thing that I could do between now and my 8:15 zumba class (because I am continuing my path to infinite awesomeness) is to put on my exercise clothes, get super cozy, blog and relax. I put on a playlist I made a while back and each song is bringing me back to a particular time and place... which is the great thing about music; it has that effect on us all. Nobody was in that exact moment in time and space, in my mind at the moment that each of these particular songs were playing. And since you know I'm all about sharing these days, I share a bit of my playlist and a few (condensed) memories. Here goes:

1. Martha Reeves/ Heat Wave - reminds me of this artist dancing in his studio setting up his equipment

2. ELO/ Mr. Blue Sky- reminds me of last September 25th at a birthday party, a friend dj-ing, this song came on and we all danced until 4am. It was a great night.

3. Built to Spill/ Else- a bar in Portland with this guy I was beginning to fall for (we didn't date until a year and a half later). We listened to this song and talked with our friends around us.

4. Cocorosie/ Tekno Love Song- a friend of mine filmed me at a restaurant when we were both learning how to use iMovie. He set footage of me looking into a camera to this song at a Polish diner and sent it to me. It was really cool.

5. Rilo Kiley/ Bulletproof- last summer, when I first started working at the cafe, a friend of mine loved Rilo Kiley and we used to listen to it nonstop while we worked.

6. Quasi/ Bon Voyage- Portland. Toyota Corolla. Nonstop.

7. Holly Golightly/ There is an End- reminds me of watching Broken Flowers in my bed with a gentleman that I dated.

8. Rachel Portman/ Never Let Me Go- a friend and I went to see Never Let Me Go with Carrie Mulligan and this song is beautiful. It reminds me of the movie and the friend that I saw it with.

9. Camera Obscura/ Lloyd, I'm Ready to be Heartbroken- February 2009, listening to this on vinyl in the morning while a good friend of mine and I drank french press coffee and ate oatmeal with greek yogurt and fresh blueberries in Los Angeles.

10. Grandaddy/ Final Push to the Sum- reminds me of all my time in Portland being one giant blur of running, learning, drinking, teaching, dating, crying, laughing, experiencing, and not remembering all the people I meet over time. The lyrics make you think that... this song is about moving on, but sometimes a little too quickly. But the really amazing thing about this song is that it encapsulates that feeling ONLY in Portland. It doesn't cross over to NYC. Weird.

So, there it is! A sampling of a playlist and my memory with each song. I'm going to leave you with a song to listen to and feel happy about. Farewell for today.