retrospect

I am constantly trying to figure out ways to know when. I have a hard time living day to day not knowing when things will change, get exciting, be beautiful, or make me want to explode with happiness. So many days are status quo, which is not, by any means, a bad thing. I mean, when I think about the day that I was broken up with by someone I loved, or a loved one dies, or when something awful happens to a close friend or family member, those are not considered status quo events, thank god! These events are rather heart-breaking. So, I'm not wishing for every day to be a jolt. I like quiet days of routine. I'm getting more and more ok with it every day I go further down thirty-something lane. That said, I haven't had a happy jolt in quite some time.

Every time I go to one of my psychics, he or she has told me about all these wonderful and amazing things that my life is going to dish out for me... in the next few years. It seems like every day, though, is so similar to the one that preceded it. I simply cannot fathom something magical happening tomorrow or in a few hours. It would seem so terribly out of place with the events of my day (let's see, I called in sick because I had food poisoning for 12 hours straight, I ate lunch, I graded some essays, and now I am writing this.) Again, I'm not complaining. I am lucky to have the life that I have. I think everyone wants fun and amazing and exciting things to happen more often than it does. Then again, if magical and amazing things did happen more often than they did in our lives, would we even recognize them as such?

Being that it's been a while for me since I've had a magical and wonderful thing happen to me, I feel it's my time. And soon! I want to feel that magic that I felt at fifteen when I was sitting on my stoop on a beautiful spring evening with the guy who I was just starting to date, his skateboard under his feet, while I blushed and flirted with would soon turn into love.

I want to feel the butterflies that danced around my stomach as I stood in my Portland apartment for the last time, surveying the walls that had watched my life for years before leaving for New York City. I love that ridiculous nervous energy that comes along before I take a trip, whether it is for a week in Los Angeles with my best friend, a solo trip to a brand new place, or a few month soujourn to Europe or Alaska. I felt like I was going to die of nerves before my tap performance, my improv graduation shows, or my very first day of teaching, but it did serve to set those days aside from all the others.

Sometimes, I might not realize that there may be a beautiful memory in the making. I remember this one gorgeous day, I think I would describe it as Indian Summer. I was hanging out with my friend, Andrew, doing the usual and not thinking it was anything special. We made a video together that afternoon. We often played around with making videos and we always strolled the streets and did a whole lot of nothing together. So, at the time, it seemed like nothing special, but, for some reason, in my memory, it is etched as lovely.

I guess, the truth is, every day, something happens that you may remember. And memories sometimes have a way of morphing into something else; something unexpected. A day might seem so routine, so run of the mill, but you may remember some aspect of it more fondly in hindsight, down the road. You just don't know.