sandpaper morning

Remember how awesome October was? Well, it's been over now for a while and I'm still trying hard to ride that high. All that motivation I had- where did that go? I actually considered myself a bit serene during that time... SERENE! ME?

Here we are, getting to know December of 2011 and so far, December, you're not doing it for me the way October was...

This week has been rough. Some shit went down at work that had me feeling on the spot and..., well, shitty. I've been turning much more introspective, which is never a good thing for a person like me. I believe that staying far out of my mind and not examining my feelings under a microscope is a far better strategy for me; easier said than done, right? I have been feeling a bit fragile- fragile, emotionally, fragile, physically (ate junk food for EVERY meal yesterday and haven't had a good work out since Wednesday night), and fragile, psychologically (why don't I want to work out? why am I eating like shit? why are you doing this to yourself, Laura???!!!) I am also in a mode where I am constantly questioning myself around people, probably because I have no filter right now.

It's funny, I do have a filter and I use it. I will use my filter for a long period of time and everything is fine and then every few months or so, it's like, one morning, I wake up and I go about my usual routine and then I come across a person that I know. In the course of our conversation, I will begin to notice that my filter is missing! OH NO! SHIT! It's alright, I'll find it later; I must have left it at home. And when I get home it's not there. It's gone! WHERE'S MY FILTER?!

After a week or two of going throughout my life filter-less and having heads turn toward me, eyes wide after I make a comment or two, I decide to stay home until I find it. And then one day, it shows up, and it's back to normal.

This is the best way that I can describe it. Right now, my filter is missing. And the things that are coming out of my mouth are alarming to me. So, I have decided that I will only go out when necessary. I need to reteach myself how to think before I speak. I believe this to be the cause of 99% of my anxiety. When Amelie first came out, I was living in Portland and took myself to see it... three times, by myself in the theater until I bought it. I like the story and the cinematography and all that but I was head over heels in love her character. And I wished really hard that I could be more like that. Introverted. I wish that I was more introverted. There. I said it. I wish I could sit down, shut the fuck up, and quit needing attention and adoration.

Sometimes, I feel like I need a person, a cheerleader/ coach alongside me all the time telling me how amazingly talented and wonderful I am.

This is how it goes down in my mind:

Me: "Look at the way I put my shoes on and walked out the door! That was good, right?"
Cheerleader/ Coach: "I've never seen anyone do it quite that well before, Laura. You have this really unique way of picking up your feet and stepping when you walk. You should see if you can become a professional walker. I mean, maybe you could be cast in movies to walk in the background."
Me: "Thanks! You're right! I'm gonna do it!"

And then, for a solid two weeks, that's all I will talk about, write about, post on facebook about- how I am looking into breaking into hollywood movies to be a person who walks in the background.

I truly don't know how I got off on this tangent. The point is: right now, I am feeling a bit fragile. I think I need to think before I speak, gain some perspective, and get back on my positive up-swing where it's all work outs and sunshine.